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Friday, 15 April 2016

A moment to reflect

I am starting this blog a little round the wrong way, as I am jumping in with my first post when I am 12 months into trying for our first baby. I will go back in time and explain all the other things we have learnt and how we got to where we are now, but this post is about today, what I feel today and what my husband feels today.

Yesterday I was lying on a sunbed on the coast of Sri Lanka when I decided now is the time to start my blog. I told my husband I had done this only after I published the first page on this blog (Who am I?) but he thought it was a great idea and I am so pleased that this holiday has given me the time and space to (a) forget some of the negativity that builds up when you are TTC, (b) put some things into perspective and (c) shag a lot (which is an essential component when TTC).

We are waiting for some test results to come back from the hospital. We know that we can conceive (as we have done twice) but we are waiting to see if there is an underlying reason that I can't carry past 11 weeks, as we have lost 2 babies at 11 weeks (although probably at 9 weeks of development when fetal heartbeat stopped). 

Some will say that we shouldn't get pregnant before we know all the answers to these tests (and, after all, we did pay a small fortune to have the tests taken), but sometimes you have to seize the moment and roll with it. This isn't a honeymoon holiday but we are happy, here and in the moment. We aren't looking at calendars, I'm not pee'ing on ovulation sticks, I'm not tracking my vaginal discharge and most importantly we aren't under pressure. 

If we do conceive on this holiday then we've both decided 'what is the worst that can happen?'. Taking history as our basis I could conceive and there could be 3 outcomes (1) a happy healthy baby, (2) I miscarry again, or worst of all (3) we find out the baby has a genetic problem and have to make a difficult decision together. I am, and always will be, hoping we never have to deal with option 3. I can't get my head around trying for a baby and then finding out that you have to make a decision about that baby's fate before it is born. I can't honestly tell you what decision we would make, I think I know the answer, but I can't say for sure, and I pray that we never, ever, ever have to have that discussion. We know we might need to, after all, my eggs are old(er) than they recommend (not by much though) and we've already had one miscarriage due to Trisomy 21, so there's a chance, but I pray my body will always make that decision for me and never leave it to my, sometimes very confused, head and heart.

So, this holiday has been about relaxing, not pee'ing on sticks, enjoying a guilt free glass of wine and shagging. In fact the only thing I have been doing that remotely suggests we are "planning" a baby is that I religiously take my pre-conception vitamins and force my husband to do the same (I don't really believe in the male version of preconception vitamins, mainly because I think the nights in the pub drinking beer and whiskey and eating chicken wings probably undoes the good, but it makes me chuckle, and feel loved, when he, ever so sweetly, joins in the evening ritual of vitamins before bedtime). Thinking about it, I haven't even done a headstand, or put a pillow under my bum, after shagging. So in my head, if we conceive on this holiday it was because it was meant to be, not because we programmed it, or tried for it, but just because we are a silly, happy, care free husband and wife (for 10 days at least).

It would be incredibly ironic if the holiday that blossomed my TTC blog also blossomed our future baby, so I am not holding out a lot of hope, but the thought has put a twinkle in my eye and a smile on my face...what if seizing the moment, owning your own destiny and just being happy is the answer....how incredible would that be!

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